Herd Mentality

New Driveway?

2008-07-21T09:17:00.002-05:00

To quote the old Pontiac commericials... "Wider is Better."
(I think the camera on my cellphone has had it)

G.O.L.F

2008-07-15T15:18:00.004-05:00

Some pictures from the G.O.L.F tournament this past weekend. I know Kristi Strang is in Tappen, so I can beat her to posting these! I will not comment on the quality of play.

The Night Before...

Team E-85 aka Team Blown
(Blown is a new color, it's a combination of black/brown and rhymes with clown)

Team Sween Machine
(Why would Jeff mock me by calling our team that?)

Congratulations on your first Eagle*, Jeff.
*I didn't actually see it go in, so I still don't believe.

Just One

2008-07-01T16:53:00.002-05:00

So I guess I have a new option on those nights I just want to go out for just one...

Good to Know

2008-07-01T09:53:00.003-05:00

I went to drop off some lawn clippings and other recyclables last night at one of the city recycling centers. It's nice to know that I can now recycle other materials if there is ever an "incident" at work.

The Juice...Is Loose

2008-06-26T11:48:00.002-05:00

Apparently OJ Simpson was spotted on Tuesday in Fargo. I work with a guy that went to high school with OJ's girlfriend, so I knew that she was from this area. (Also note that Michael Strahan's ex-wife is from ND) It's dominated the news lately to the point where it's a little embarrasing. Not as embarassing as this shot they got of him golfing in Ottertail however...

Rib Fest

2008-06-06T13:09:00.002-05:00

AH...Rib Fest. The official start of summer in Fargo.

This year I went with the "Total Experience". The total experience consisted of a pound of meat, followed by a meat coma...and then the meat sweats.

A little different...

2008-05-21T15:07:00.004-05:00

My house wasn't the prettiest house when I bought it, but I liked the price.

October 31st, 2003

May 20th, 2008

The siding made quite a bit of difference I'd say. If I ever told anybody how much it cost me to side my entire house with new soffit, facia, gutters...they'd never talk to me again. Then again, I had free labor as well. Since we finished the project so late (gutters went up when it was snowing), hopefully I get some time soon to finish painting window trim and putting in the new sidewalk that I tore out last fall to do the step. Fun, huh?

Time to Start Over

2008-05-06T15:46:00.003-05:00

February - June 2007

I ended up having to return the original fridge I bought due to there was just no way I could ever get it to fit and still look right. I traded it in for what is now known in my house as the "Darth Vader Fridge". Everything was tore out, patched, painted and the installation of the IKEA cabinets began...

After the countertop arrived.... Some people ask why I didn't tear out the old linoleum and actually patched in the areas where I removed cabinets and the pantry. Simple. Most linoleum installed prior to about 1985 was asbestos backed.

Unfortunately, once the dishwasher was installed this project came to a screeching halt on June 20th with a phone call from my father. "Weren't you planning on residing your house at some point...?"

Goodbye Death Rail

2008-05-05T16:56:00.004-05:00

March 2006 - So by this time a year had gone by...

My fridge died. Turns out that it was going to be next to impossible for me to get a decent sized fridge in my kitchen without tearing out the existing pantry...so I decided to make a few other modifications.

Fake Brick Paneling - Not As Cool As I Had Hoped

2008-05-02T16:13:00.004-05:00

March 2005 - First step was to get rid of the brick paneling and spend an entire weekend filling paneling nail holes. Luckily there was textured sheetrock underneath. A few new light fixtures brightened things up a little bit after a coat of paint.

April 2005 - At this point I had just finished remodeling both of the bathrooms in the house, so I threw the now famous "Can Opener" party. I couldn't figure out why so many people avoided the kitchen. Someone told me that when they went in there they felt trapped. Well, after that I felt trapped every time I walked in there. So that led to the removing of a few cabinets

Note the beautiful metal railing in the corner of the picture. It wasn't even anchored to the wall well. You could grab it and shake the heck out of it. Considering it was all that kept me (or my clumsy friends) from falling into the basement, I needed a different solution.

Just because the Strang's showed off their's...

2008-04-30T17:08:00.007-05:00

These pictures were taken when I moved into "that 70's house" four years ago. Yes, that is fake, red brick paneling that covered the majority of the walls in my kitchen and dining room.

Scary? Or Scary Romantic?

Too give you and idea, here's the fridge and stove on the way out. Very hot! Interesting enough, they all worked. Even the harvest gold dishwasher worked. You have not lived until you've owned a dishwasher from the "pre-quiet" era. It also gives you an idea of what the linoleum looked like and how yellow the countertops really were.

So, so, so busy

2008-04-24T16:35:00.002-05:00

I've been caught in the project from hell lately and haven't had much time to write here. On the other hand, my fan base is pretty small. I can only manage like 59 friends on facebook...

My latest obsession is Flight of the Conchords. I seriously wish I had HBO for the simple reason I would've seen this earlier. I just picked up their new album. It rocks.

Mmmmmm.....spam

2008-01-03T12:09:00.000-06:00

My favorite spam messages from the last week...

-Stop being a tiny-dic'ked little fellow! It's easy!
-Rock hard boner in not an unachievable dream!
-the comments I get about my nights with women are amazing, people think I'm a wizard
-Find out how to absolutely satisfy your girlfriend
-Great assortment of cheap branded med$Bret
-4 girls from our site want to meat you
-if he's hard to shop for you won't go wrong with viiiaaaaaggggrrraaaa
-multihand...
-We give out BONUSES to anyone who joins
-Turn a small knob into a huge wand!
-No woman cann't help from getting laid with you
-Beautiful RUSSIAN women waiting to meet YOU!
-become more attractive stop jerking off
-She will laugh at your small stick anymore
-Chicks like when you have big instrument
-You have a chance to become a real man
-Upgrade your man power now!
-Girls don't like to get laid by baby dicks

According to spammer market research, this is apparently what you need to know about me...

-I'm terrified about the size of my wang
-I want a fake Rolex
-I like to gamble online
-I need Viagra

I'm am intrigued that one site has 4 girls that want to meet me. That's better than eHarmony...but that's another story for another time.

The Olden Days

2007-12-27T14:02:00.000-06:00

How did people seriously get through the work day in a cubicle before the internet? Our network was down all morning and I did all I could do to not go insane... So I rounded up the minions and went and had french toast and bacon. Good thing this week between Christmas and NY is kind of a slacker week.

2nd snow of the year

2007-12-04T14:25:00.000-06:00

Dear Ass Clowns...

If you feel the need to drive 10 miles an hour on the interstate in any condition...stay home.

I put too much pressure on myself

2007-12-04T14:18:00.000-06:00

This blog kind of died when I convinced myself I had to spend any amount of time on the thought I put into the entries. Forget that. From now on...just random thoughts.

The company I work for makes electric meters. Customers are typically billed by their actual usage or by what their peak usage is (called demand billing). I received an email today that there will be several new icons on the display depending on the type of demand being shown. Who picks this shit out?

Maximum Demand: MAX
Cumulative Demand: CUM
Continuous Demand: CONT.CUM
Maximum Cumulative Demand: MAX CUM

Evolution of a stupid idea

2007-06-28T12:24:00.000-05:00

Growing up (and still today) one of my favorite print cartoons was Calvin and Hobbes. I'm still disappointed that Sam Waterson decided that he needed to end such a popular strip, and the fact that he chose not to cash in on the marketing potential like he could have still baffles me.

Back in the early 90's, stickers started appearing of a character that was obviously meant to be Calvin. Devilish grin, pants around ankles...and urinating on your choice of hated vehicle make, despised sports team, or any word you really didn't care for. I'll admit, the first time I saw one of these, I laughed out loud. It brings to mind a Family guy episode where Peter states "I'm a redneck, we like people driving behind us to know what our beliefs are."

Shortly there after, the feminists felt they needed to get in on this action. Hence...the squatting girl decal was born.

Then the religious groups got involved. They decided it was time that Calvin and the peeing girl should start praying. These still seem to be really popular today...

Now this is where the story gets interesting. A few weeks ago I was in the twin cities area picking up my new cabinets at IKEA and had lunch with my sister and her husband along with my parents who happened to be in town. My sister and brother-in-law had rode to the restaurant with my parents and then I was going to give them a ride back to their house as my parents were on the way back to ND. As soon as we got on the interstate, I noticed a similar decal on the minivan in front of us. I could see the cross, but it took me several minutes to figure out what placed in front of it. I asked my sister if she saw it and asked her if it was what I thought it was... Indeed, the praying FETUS decal is now the latest incarnation of this stupid trend. I'd show a picture, but it was just too disturbing.

I prefer the term "Platypus Hands"

2007-06-14T11:07:00.001-05:00

I realized after taking this photo I really shouldn't have bent my hand 90 degrees from my arm. It makes it look like I have extra chins on my hand (or whatever you'd call hand chins). However, it has come to my attention as well that a rumor has been perpetuated that I have "Sausage Fingers". I think the picture makes it pretty obvious that they are not...however I prefer the term "platypus hands". My toes on the other hand do look like little cocktail weiners.

....The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. Too obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now...

Shredded Vegetables?

2007-06-11T17:01:00.000-05:00

I was notified today by MaMa Strang of the Aidyn And Nolan Blog that I evidently have a readership and they are disgusted by my lack of commitment to my Blog.

My apologies. Life on the prairie is hard and time consuming. I vow to once again begin posting the crazy things that happen in my life.

All I know is that at least my parents didn't name me like this...

And on another note... Some day I'm going to tell the Strang children that their mom tricked them into eating vegetables by shredding them and putting them in pizza. They'll rebel I tell you!

Small Town Marketing

2007-02-22T11:50:00.000-06:00

I recently took a trip with a friend of mine to the western UP area of Michigan. On our way there I saw this sign passing through downtown Staples, MN. I wasn't quite sure if I had read it correctly. Fortunately on the way back, we snapped a picture of it with a cell phone.

I realize that a lot of small towns in America are fighting a growing problem with Meth use and manufacturing. This has to be the first small town in America to actually use it in an advertising campaign...

Those crazy marketing guys!

2007-01-18T16:34:00.000-06:00

I just read through the latest marketing requirements document for a new version of one of our products and found this little gem.

The goal is to reduce the need for tools to perform initial installation (“is it working and connected?”) and diagnostics (“can I diagnose the problem without whipping out my tool, or calling in a second-level technician?”) tasks.

This is a good thing to consider. In most cases, whipping out your tool on the job leads to immediate dismissal. If you need a second-level technician to help you whip out your tool, maybe you should consider the adult film industry.

It's Monday

2007-01-08T15:31:00.000-06:00

I really need to start using the word "abhor" more.

I'm seriously baffled...

2006-12-14T16:24:00.000-06:00

So last week the big news around Fargo is that apparently some chick from here could win some reality show called America's Next Top Model. Then I find out that apparently some girl from Grand Forks won it two seasons ago. WHAT THE HELL!? I've been living here for three years and there are not model caliber women running all over... At least I don't think so.

I had to go online. This CariDee chick is HOT and has an attitude that I could dig.

However, at 21 she breaks one of my tried and true dating rules. You figure out which one.

1) Don't sh*t where you eat
2) It's perfectly acceptable to date a younger girl if she is 1/2 your age + 7 years.

The girl from Grand Forks I really didn't dig...however, that is the case with most girls from Grand Forks. Grand Forks just seems dirty. I don't mean "naughty-dirty" either. However, as my good friend Tuma says "At this age we shouldn't be picky". I think she also breaks rule #2.

My real fear here is that all this exposure is going to end up in a lot more dirty old men like myself moving into the state. As it is now, my odds of finding a hot chick that isn't already married are bad enough. Imagine having all that extra competition. Therefore, I'd like to let all you aspiring dirty old men know something. A lot of girls here are closer to another reality contestant you have seen recently - even after losing 60 pounds...still not attractive. Ok North Dakota girls, I still love you. We all know Adrian is from Minnesota.

New Lady In My Life

2006-11-08T09:36:00.000-06:00

This Saturday - Time to Finish the List

2006-10-16T16:53:00.000-05:00

Great, now I have to worry about hair growing out of my ears

2006-08-09T17:24:00.000-05:00

Two days until I turn 31. Year two of being a dirty old man begins...

Dirty old men go to WeFest. It is what we do well. I can't seem to deal with the hard living of camping there, which is great since I have some friends with a cabin out there. I can even take a real shower if I need to.

This years highlights....

1) 2 girls wearing nothing but caution tape...and not much caution tape...

2) 2 girls wearing outfits made of beer boxes...topped by the one girl yelling "YOU LIKE MY BOX?!"

3) The first 2 girls that road the mechanical bull together. Every girl after that tried to top them. Culminating in the girl who just decided to take her top off and show her boobs to everybody. Too bad she was not pretty...at all.

4)The girl who got up on stage the last night after the concerts at the saloon. Not so much that she looked hilarious standing behind the keyboard with no pants, but the fact that one of our group proclaimed "Dear God...I used to babysit that girl"

5)My Jeep may be Trail Rated, but it can't handle the driveway. I tore off a mudflap backing over a pile of seaweed in the driveway at the cabin.

6)Now I know how Gilligan felt. Who's idea was it to put 9 people in a ski boat at 3 AM when there are white caps out on the lake? I'm lucky to be alive.

7)I was in a porta-potty that had some sort of joy-stick looking thing mounted next to the seat. I want to know what the heck that is for. I was too scared to touch it. Anyone?

8)To the girl that decided to climb the rock wall in the short skirt... there are about 1000 guys that would like your number.

9)To the guy lying on his back taking pictures when his friend was climbing the rock wall....that was the best "oh shit, I gotta keep watching this because I know exactly how this is going to end" moment ever. Thank you.

10) Thank you Keith Urban. I really don't know much about your music and I'm really bummed that I didn't find your new wife, Nicole Kidman, out slumming around in the crowd...however, you did one heck of a job turning every girl at that show into a hornball. You're one heckuva Austrailian in my book.

Another Wasted Opportunity

2006-07-05T15:29:00.000-05:00

I realized that I totally wasted my 20's. Had the technology been available in 1995, I could have outfitted myself with some sort type of uber-small video camera and captured all the things that I did and witnessed from 1995 to 2005. I could have made a movie of clips that could have generated millions in ticket sales. I could also write a book....based on a movie.

I drove out to Detroit Lakes on Monday to have a couple of beers at a friend's lake cabin and check out a band. Unfortunately, the city of Detroit Lakes has some new noise ordinance where the bands can no longer be outside late and it was moved inside. Not only was this lame, but the bar isn't that big for the entire crowd to be inside. Luckily there were some porta-potties and a bar set up outside for the crowd spilling out of the bar onto the beach.

My group had a table just inside the bar, but we were smart enough to use the outside bathrooms and get out beer from the outside bar. At one point in the night, I ran outside to use the porta-potty and this is where I wish I had video footage. This could possibly be the funniest alcohol related incident I have ever witnessed.

When I arrived, there were only 6 people in line to use the facilities. Four extremely intoxicated girls in their early 20's, myself and a guy we will refer to as "the dirty old man". Yes, I am NOT the dirty old man in this story...the other guy was the one with the mullet, cancer-tan and Hawaiian shirt with cut off sleaves that was open to his belly button. After a minute or so, one of the doors opened and two of the four girls made for the open toilet. I'll never figure out why women would go to the can together, but it baffles me even more why you'd want more than one person in a porta-potty. At any rate, after much giggling and stumbling it appeared that they had both made it inside. Another minute passed, and right as I was about to enter the next open toilet, I heard a scream followed by a horrendous commotion. Suddenly, the door on the porty-potty flew open and one of the girls tumbled out with her pants around her ankles and threw her beer in the air as she fell backwards. The beer flew into the porta-potty and hit the other girl square in the lap....as she hovered over the toilet seat. I don't think I can give the situation it's true humor, so I'll end it there.

Wanted...

2006-06-28T11:56:00.000-05:00

At what point do you decide that "the man" has it out for you?

A couple of months ago I was doing some laundry. (Yes, I'm single and I have to do my own laundry.) I ran upstairs once I got everything squared away to find two messages on my phone.

Message #1: Hey Grant, this is your mom. We just had two people from the sheriff's department out at our place asking us where you were last night. They said that there was a high speed chase leaving the bar in Emerado last night and that someone at the bar said it was you. I hope it wasn't you, and if it was...why didn't you stop out and say hi?

Message #2: Hello Mr. Sweeney, this is so and so from the Grand Forks county sheriff's department. You are a suspect in a high speed chase and DUI last night in Emerado, North Dakota. Please give me a call back as soon as you get this.

You know you're going to have a good night when you get two calls like that at 11 PM on a Tuesday night. I hadn't been in Grand Forks County for 4 months. That and the fact that my mom was in on the prank (if it was a prank) was very suspect. She's just not that funny.

It turns out that another blond haired kid from my home town (and about 7 years younger) and happening to have the same last name (no relation) was out getting liquored in the bar that night. When the cops said the description of the guy was "tall and skinny", I asked "Have you looked at my Driver's License? I'm not skinny" Apparently that wasn't amusing. I was then asked where I was. "At the bar." Also not amusing to the man, but true...I had watched game 6 of the Stanley Cup that night at BW3 with some coworkers.

After finally convincing this rude individual I'm not the guy he was looking for, I called my mom and told her I wasn't going to be arrested. You see, this isn't the first time I've been wanted in Grand Forks County...

My junior year of college i found out that I was the prime suspect in a large marijuana growing operation. My dad had recently bought the final remaining acres of the home quarter that he grew up on. It's about 25 acres nestled in the Turtle River Valley. Apparently, the person who bought the house across the road from the land had found a large patch of the wacky weed growing in a remote corner of the property. (I've often wondered why we didn't have him arrested for trespassing).

I was a college kid, therefore it was my weed of course. $750,000 worth in street value is what I'm told. It was a big deal...DEA helicopters and the whole shebang. My reaction?

"I've got $750k in marijuana...but I've got $20k in student loans? Yeah, I confess...it MUST be mine"

The End Is Near

2006-06-20T16:34:00.000-05:00

I recently had one of those defining moments when you realize that you're old. Now, I've had many. Usually they involve me feeling like a dirty old man...or being told that I'm a dirty old man.

I decided I needed to pick up a new pair of flip flops on my way to the gym on Saturday so I swung into Kohls to grab a pair of Adidas sandals. To my delight I found that they had a new style that was basically what I've always wanted. A pair of flip flops that if you step in water, they have mesh in the sole and the water just runs back out. I thought to myself "Wow, I whould buy like 5 pairs so I always have some". Then I realized I was thinking like a 60 year old. The next thing you know I'll be out buying a new pair of pants and think the same thing when I find an uber comfortable pair. I'm scared.

Hope you enjoy the picture that brings together two of my three favorite shows as a kid. Replace Hasselhoff with Daisy Duke and it'd be perfect. (I'm only part German...so I don't have quite the David Hasselhoff fascination that most Germans do.)

No Bacon in my Meat Combo?!

2006-06-09T13:07:00.000-05:00

I've come to the realization that there is no job out there that is going to ever keep 100% of my attention. I'm destined to start losing interest after about two years. I'm not sure whether to blame it on my Adult ADD or the fact that I wasn't meant to do this kind of work. There are just too many jobs out there that really don't allow you to learn anything new. They expect you to be continuously learning, but you're supposed to do that on the little free time they give you and not during your normal "40" hour week. Heck, the only reason I work is so that I can afford to do the things I like to do when I'm not at work...

This was a big week. I "celebrated" the 3 year anniversary of my decision to move back to North Dakota. In fact, I celebrated it by nearly removing my foot when I made the mistake of taking the mountain bike out with flip-flops on. I guess I'll never make that mistake again...but only after the skin on all of my toes grow back, the swelling goes down and I can actually wear shoes.

RibFest was also going on in town this week. I went with the meat combo. It's the way it should be...no slaw, no potato salad, no beans...all your side dishes are a different meat. However, how can you have all that meat and not have any bacon? Tonight's entertainment out there is Styx... Wow. I'll leave it at that...and include my favorite picture from a trip I took to Vegas.

Damn you, Bob Villa. Damn you.

2006-05-31T15:25:00.000-05:00

I need a single person to blame, and I believe I'll pick Bob Villa. Long before there were entire cable networks dedicated to home improvement, this boob had a show which featured people dumping insane amounts of money into old dumpy houses.

Now we have entire cable networks convincing America that oak is no longer cool and should be painted, textured ceilings are like "cottage cheese" and should be removed and that the standard size of a refrigerator needs to get bigger and bigger all the time.

My shack was built the same year that I was born. Back in the glorious days of shag carpeting and groovy lighting, your average fridge was pretty basic. Unfortunately, this means that the manufacturers have me over a barrel. I can either buy a dinky little fridge that will fit in the old space, shell out around $2000 for a specialty size or tear apart my entire kitchen. I went with option (c). Let's just say I'm not happy that I had to tear into some of the work that I had already done.

It's also created a pecking order in the Sweeney household. The fridge is now in the dining room, the dining room table has moved to the living room...and the tablesaw has finally moved to the garage.

And here is a picture of the urinal in the Hunter, ND bar for fun. I was disappointed that there wasn't any ice in it at the time.

Goodbye Old Yeller

2006-05-23T13:54:00.000-05:00

RIP 1974-2006

I guess it was bound to happen one of these days. Last Friday I awoke to the distinct sound of my fridge's compressor no longer being able to keep up. Pretty admirable for a fridge to last 32 years. I wonder how many original "Harvest Gold" fridges are still in use across the US? I just wish the stupid thing could have waited until I was planning on starting my kitchen remodel. The new stainless steel side-by-side is going to look out of place next to the yellow countertops and the harvest gold dishwasher.

Beware of the Flying Water Heater

2006-04-26T16:33:00.000-05:00

First off, I want to take the time to declare that I am in no way, shape or form a "tree hugger". I hunt. I drive one of these...

However, I do care about the environment. I don't understand the US public's aversion to diesel fueled vehicles (do you know that if I lived in Europe that I could get a 3.0 liter diesel engine to power my Jeep that puts out 300 horse and gets 30+ miles to the gallon?) However my biggest gripe is a little known "holiday" that is celebrated for one week in the Fargo-Moorhead area every spring. It's called "Clean Up Week". Basically, you're allowed to throw all sorts of shit out on to your curb and you just let it sit there until the city comes and picks it up. Apparently, it's your oppurtunity to get rid of unwanted and oversized items, but in this day and age you would think a city on the grow such as this area would definitly revisit such a practice.

To start off, garbage collection in the city really has few rules. Basically, as long as you make sure that no bag of trash you throw out weighs more than 40 pounds (because they still have a guy that physically throws all your trash in the truck), you can throw out as much crap as you want 51 weeks of the year. On top of this, the city charges extra for curbside recycling...basically discouraging anyone to do it. My neighbors are a retired couple and on a week to week basis there are as many as a dozen 30 gallon trash bags out in front of their house on trash day every week. I lived with 3 other guys and we never exceded our 60 gallon container when I lived in the city (well, we probably did tip the scales when it came to the volume of recyclable cans and bottles that left our place).

So not only does the city do nothing to encourage people to limit the amount of trash dumped in the city landfill, but for one week out of the year, they expect you to throw in more. In defense of cleanup week, the number of "scavengers" in town explodes. I'm sure there is a lot of discarded items (typically furniture) that finds its way into many college apartments around town. I remember my last year at NDSU. We basically just brought our entire furnishings out to the curb on cleanup week and they disappeared well before the trashman showed up.

To give you an idea of what cleanup week looks like, check these out...

I've left out one thing. North Dakota is also well known for the amount of wind we have here. Never fail, clean up week ends up during one of the windiest weeks of the year. Have you ever had to dodge a junked water heater as it rolled down the street? I have. I encourage you to learn more about this pathetic holiday. We've even given it an entire website...

http://www.cleanupweek.com

Step Away From the Brillo Pad

2006-04-17T10:43:00.000-05:00

To be perfectly honest, I can't really say that I've had all too much happening that was bloggable. There might be, but until I confirm what really happened a couple of weeks ago in St. Cloud...everything is just an unsubstantiated rumor.

Back at http://spaces.msn.com/sweeneyland/ one of the most popular posts was my rant about Menards. After spending several days taping, sanding and texturing this weekend, I decided to just rent a movie and spend the last few hours of my weekend just relaxing. I settled on Peter Jackson's new "King Kong" remake, which ended up bringing up some Menard's like rage.

Remember back to the golden age of video rental? Let's say you ran down to your local Blockbuster (or down to the local gas station for us hicks who grew up out in the middle of nowhere) and rented a film that had come out on video a couple of years before. Odds are that the cardboard cover on the shelf was quite a bit faded and you knew the quality of the tape was going to be a crapshoot and you might experience some garbled soundtrack, some iffy picture in places. That was cool though, odds are you were paying like 79 cents unless you forgot to rewind it. If some moron ruined the tape, it was pretty obvious and they pulled it off the shelf and threw it away.

We've progressed as a society. We now have DVD. Your player will never destroy a DVD. The quality of audio and video will never degrade because you felt the need to watch Braveheart every Sunday afternoon for a year.

Now all we need to worry about is handing over your $3 for your silver disc, putting it in your DVD player and then watching 20 minutes of the movie. At that point, you might start to see some nasty stuff happen. Weird pixelation, the voice track is off the video track by a short time, loud screaching digital noises, blank screen...and if you're lucky enough...all of the sudden your DVD player might just suddenly eject the DVD.

The best part of this entire experience is that this will rarely happen in any mundane or uneventful parts of your movie. This will always happen right in the middle of the action. Even better for me is that since I use a DLP Projector in my basement with little ambient light in the room, I have to fumble around for like 5 minutes trying to turn on lights to find out what went wrong.

The worst part is always removing that DVD from the player. I guess I never look when I put it in to see what sort of condition it is in. How hard is it? They send you these neat little cases. You take it out, put it in the DVD player...and then when you take it out you put it back into the case. Apparently, some of you out there decide to take either a brillo pad or steel wool to it before putting it back into the case. Some of you insist on spraying 'mystery liquid' on DVDs before returning them. So in defense, I should let you all know that there is no need to try and sterilize these discs (if that is what you're trying to do). In one instance, it looked like there was a bike tire tread across the edge of a movie. Why?

Put down the brillo pad. Stay away from my DVD collection.